Aha. There it was. I could see I was in a torrential downpour of pain. I wasn't just missing my grandma, my dog, my cousin - I was feeling the great pain of grief that comes when you lose the ones you love. And I saw that the full-blown fire of joy wasn't gonna happen, while that was going on. But sparks of happiness, like the choir, the jeans, the December bike rides, the sunny walks with Solo Polo... these are the little matchsticks of joy I can strike while I'm within the driving sheets of sadness.
Suffice to say, I'm happy to turn the page on last year. There were certainly sparks. I loved that it was the year of my first half IronMan. I loved meeting new people, coaching, mentoring, being PRESENT for my family. I loved my friends and family who were present for ME. I loved training and transforming myself back into a decent athlete. But the losses of my grandma, our dog, a dear cousin... and the hard choices, not getting to VT, not feeling like connecting with people, not feeling like ME, all made the year feel incredibly painful. I understand why it was, and why it had to be hard. And now I see the storm is clearing. Good timing, New Year's 2024, GOOD TIMING.
And that brings me to my word for 2024: LOVE. Love for me. Love for you. Love for God. Love for what I do. Love for how I do it. Love for strangers. Love for enemies. Love for difficult relationships. Love for difficult workouts. Love for the easy decisions. Love for the challenges. Love, even when I may not like it. Love overall - that is my light and my guide this year. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
I am happy that this first week of 2024, there are lots of matchsticks already lit - track workouts, ramp tests, social time with friends, playing outside. I stayed active in December, despite my misery, but generally backed off the training, save for that glorious outdoor bike ride on Winter Solstice which was both difficult and spectacular. Here in this first week of the new year, I'm feeling ready to go and the workouts have been FUN, not a chore! Rest is important for revival. Today I'll sign up for my next Ironman 70.3, and then the fun really begins!
What I know is, we have to do the work. And sometimes that work means we have to go through the wringer - physically, emotionally - for at least a little bit. I really am GRATEFUL for 2023, as difficult as it was. Training-wise, I *really* did the work. I physically turned myself around because I WORKED. And emotionally, I did that work, too. I could have eaten a million cookies and drank the house dry, but I chose not to. I chose to sit with the bad feelings. I chose to figure out healthier ways for me to navigate grief - a process that never really ends but does get easier with practice and helpful coping mechanisms. And while I don't wish the experience of grief on me or anyone else, nor do I expect I'll never go through it again, I certainly appreciate the lessons from this round. I appreciate that I did the work. I appreciate that I chose Healthy Me. And I see how love helped me do that.
Here in 2024, I will continue choosing love. I commit to do the work, because I know I will love the result. Will this year be all sunshine and roses? Of course not. But I am hoping for more ups than downs, and if a big storm comes, I know love will shine a light toward my little matchsticks. In the meantime, love has already started doing the work to build up that fire of joy.
Happy 2024 everyone. Go be great!
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p.s. The love is worth the grief. Love is eternal and grows exponentially. In my experience [which I hardly believe to be unique] grief is intense and terrible in the beginning, but it does subside, while the love never ends.
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"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
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