there will be tears

We did the group bike ride yesterday, on our own after I finished work. 30 miles of cycling outside of Boulder, with two big uphill climbs and a lot of prayers for the rain - which was not in the forecast, until we got there - to stay away. (It did.) I was not mentally prepared for the second climb on that route. I may or may not have had a bit of a breakdown, with a lot of swear words and several tears that would not stop coming, even after the climb was over and I was flying downhill. 

To be fair to me, I was tired before the ride started. And this week is the anniversary of my dad's death (17 years goes quickly). But it was also just a physically HARD training ride, for me. It was the first time I rode two hours on an outdoor course of rollers without stopping this year. 

While I was suffering, I knew that the route would be much easier the next time I did it, but even so, there was very little joy. It wasn't until I bribed myself with a recovery beer on the last bit that I vaguely started to be happy I was on my bike. I looked forward to the prospect of cheers-ing me for not quitting the ride, Patrick for his encouragement, and my dad for all he did for us so that I could be here, in Colorado, riding my bike in the foothills of the Rockies. It only took me twenty-five of the thirty miles to concede that yes, I was happy, and happier still that this particular ride was almost over. 

Joy is a choice and I fully acknowledge the fire of joy is hard to come by, at times. But I'm thankful that in my misery, I was able to look for the sparks. Patrick riding silently by me, willing me up that last hill. Pockets of sun shining on the snow-covered foothills. Sweeping views of the Rocky Mountains. Smooth pavement on the downhills. Cars that moved over well beyond the requested 3-feet. Signage to alert drivers that cyclists will be merging to turn left. Recognition that my dad wasn't perfect, but who is, and forgiving him, anyways. And, of course, the recovery beer. We can look for the joy that is not yet there. We can create our own tiny sparks and have faith that the fire is coming. 

Today is Palm Sunday. We slept in and made pancakes. My legs and my heart are looking forward to a long recovery walk with my Doggie Love. I'm happy we did that ride. I'm happy for the training coming up this week. Race season is approaching and I'm happy to train for it. There may yet be some tears to follow, but they will likely include tears of joy. 

--

"This is the day the Lord has made; let's rejoice and be glad in it." 

 - Psalms 118:24

choose love / do the work

As 2023 wound down I was searching for words. For feelings. For the drive to workout diligently. For the desire to do ANYTHING diligently. For a new pair of jeans that fit. For the pain to go away. For songs. What I found? A lot of tears, a lot of couch time, a foray into a choral group and surprisingly, NEW JEANS THAT FIT! I also found a great article about how searching for joy while you're in acute pain can be futile, and the chasm between where you are and where you want to be just adds to the feelings of despair, sending us further on down the misery drain... 

Aha. There it was. I could see I was in a torrential downpour of pain. I wasn't just missing my grandma, my dog, my cousin - I was feeling the great pain of grief that comes when you lose the ones you love. And I saw that the full-blown fire of joy wasn't gonna happen, while that was going on. But sparks of happiness, like the choir, the jeans, the December bike rides, the sunny walks with Solo Polo... these are the little matchsticks of joy I can strike while I'm within the driving sheets of sadness.

Suffice to say, I'm happy to turn the page on last year. There were certainly sparks. I loved that it was the year of my first half IronMan. I loved meeting new people, coaching, mentoring, being PRESENT for my family. I loved my friends and family who were present for ME. I loved training and transforming myself back into a decent athlete. But the losses of my grandma, our dog, a dear cousin... and the hard choices, not getting to VT, not feeling like connecting with people, not feeling like ME, all made the year feel incredibly painful. I understand why it was, and why it had to be hard. And now I see the storm is clearing. Good timing, New Year's 2024, GOOD TIMING. 

And that brings me to my word for 2024: LOVE. Love for me. Love for you. Love for God. Love for what I do. Love for how I do it. Love for strangers. Love for enemies. Love for difficult relationships. Love for difficult workouts. Love for the easy decisions. Love for the challenges. Love, even when I may not like it. Love overall - that is my light and my guide this year. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. 

I am happy that this first week of 2024, there are lots of matchsticks already lit - track workouts, ramp tests, social time with friends, playing outside. I stayed active in December, despite my misery, but generally backed off the training, save for that glorious outdoor bike ride on Winter Solstice which was both difficult and spectacular. Here in this first week of the new year, I'm feeling ready to go and the workouts have been FUN, not a chore! Rest is important for revival. Today I'll sign up for my next Ironman 70.3, and then the fun really begins!

What I know is, we have to do the work. And sometimes that work means we have to go through the wringer - physically, emotionally - for at least a little bit. I really am GRATEFUL for 2023, as difficult as it was. Training-wise, I *really* did the work. I physically turned myself around because I WORKED. And emotionally, I did that work, too. I could have eaten a million cookies and drank the house dry, but I chose not to. I chose to sit with the bad feelings. I chose to figure out healthier ways for me to navigate grief - a process that never really ends but does get easier with practice and helpful coping mechanisms. And while I don't wish the experience of grief on me or anyone else, nor do I expect I'll never go through it again, I certainly appreciate the lessons from this round. I appreciate that I did the work. I appreciate that I chose Healthy Me. And I see how love helped me do that. 

Here in 2024, I will continue choosing love. I commit to do the work, because I know I will love the result. Will this year be all sunshine and roses? Of course not. But I am hoping for more ups than downs, and if a big storm comes, I know love will shine a light toward my little matchsticks. In the meantime, love has already started doing the work to build up that fire of joy. 

Happy 2024 everyone. Go be great! 

--

p.s. The love is worth the grief. Love is eternal and grows exponentially. In my experience [which I hardly believe to be unique] grief is intense and terrible in the beginning, but it does subside, while the love never ends. 

--

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

a grateful heart

This has been a challenging month. The first week, we lost our beloved dog of 12 years. He went in the sweetest way possible, he just walked out into the backyard on a beautiful morning and died under the big tree. He had shown no signs of decline or discomfort, so his death was a very unexpected shock. It's taken the better part of the month for us to get used to living without him. Every day gets a little better, but we miss him and will continue to love him forever. I really am grateful for the 12+ years of joy he brought to our lives - they weren't always perfect moments, and grief is no fun, but we had a multitude of good times, memories, love and companionship over the years, and I wouldn't trade any of it. I am so glad Marco was our doggie and we were his humans. 

So now we've been getting used to Solo Polo. Let me tell you what, she's a GREAT dog. We knew she was easier than Marco, but we had no idea how little we were all interacting with her, and vice versa - it seems we all let Marco do the communicating! Since he's been gone, it's been a joy to watch Polo really warm up to us and show her personality these past few weeks. We're still working on her greetings and interactions with other dogs, but overall, she's come such a long way since we got her. I'm really grateful she joined our family. 

I'm also super grateful I can run. Our friends came to visit for Thanksgiving and suggested doing the Turkey Trot, so we signed up for it last week. I haven't been training to run at all, but I'm happy I can pick up and do a 4-miler. At the start I thought "I'd like to finish this in under 40 minutes." Well, I came in at 39:59, and that included a poop stop for Polo! As we stopped, I decided it was more important to me to be with my family than to hit a time goal, so at the finish, I felt like it was a bonus I did both! I'm so glad we all shared this Turkey Trot experience. 

It sounds cheesy to list out these things I'm grateful for, but I can't help it. There's really a lot of uncertainty in our lives, and obviously none of us can control when or how our favorite souls will depart their earthly bodies - but I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with mine. It's hard to lose a loved one, but the gift of life goes on. Being thankful for who is around me helps me be present so I can better enjoy the gift. 

I hope you're having a healthy end to your November, and doing the best you can to take care of YOU. 

OUCH! Plantar fasciitis for the fall...

While I was in Philly the last week of September, my left foot was getting a little feisty. This went on intermittently for a couple weeks, and then there were two days straight that I really couldn't walk. Mr. Scandinavian Mullet told me I needed to go see someone. I knew he was right, but I texted my coach to get her thoughts and she confirmed it. So, I went to my doctor, who said it was most likely plantar fasciitis, but ordered an Xray to rule out a stress fracture. RATS. The good news is, no stress fracture. The bad news is, it is plantar fasciitis (PF) which can take a LONG TIME to heal. DOUBLE RATS.

I gave myself a day to wallow, and do whatever internet sleuthing I could (hey, we all play Dr. Google, whether or not we admit it). Injury is [obviously] no fun. Forced downtime, when you love to go go GO, is OK for 24 hours, or even 48, but after that, I miss my runs. Someone needs to go to the store, clean the house, walk the dogs - I don't like feeling as if I can't support my household! On the other hand... the universe is unfolding exactly as it should, and perhaps this was a nudge to sit down (I mean, my Garmin is definitely telling me that!) and take a breath, for just a minute. OK, fine, but while I'm sitting, I'm still gonna try figuring out a way out of, or around this ailment, right?!? RIGHT!

Back to Dr. Google. Suffice to say you should never do ANYTHING you find on the interwebs, before you confirm it with an actual medical professional. BUT an Actual Medical Professional had responded to a thread in an athlete group I follow, saying "If you ask 100 people with plantar fasciitis what worked for them, you will get 100 different answers. The key is to find what works for you." Many people (including some medical professionals) insisted that finding the root cause is key, and usually involves a lot of stretching the muscles associated with the root cause - not just the foot muscles and the plantar fascia - to remedy the problem. That, and intense massage (which my own doctor had suggested) seemed to offer the best results to the most people. 

In my search, I discovered several athletes had used a massage gun (similar to this one) and gotten relief. I have one of these, so I tried it. Lo and behold, three days of using it just before bed, plus doing the stretches I found explained in this video, and my PF was all but GONE. Pretty awesome outcome! Now I was free to go enjoy the rest of my fall. Seriously, I went to FL and had a great time running around and go-karting with my niece and nephew, helping my mom with house jobs, and never had a problem. I kept up the stretches while there, and it's been over 10 days that I'm still pain-free. I found what worked for me, wanted to share in case it might help you, too!

Injury is no fun. But the takeaway here is, don't ignore prolonged pain. Don't think it will get better or go away, don't try to push through it. If something has been bothering you for more than 10 days, don't risk it becoming a permanent handicap, or turning into something that will require surgery to fix. Get it checked out so you can face whatever it is, and fix it, and go back to having fun living your active life. Take care of you. 

--

Video explaining Plantar fasciitis and stretches to help: How to Fix Plantar Fasciitis - Athlean X

Video explaining using a massage gun for plantar fasciitis relief - note, I used the technique in this video, but with the ball attachment, it worked great for me: Relieve Plantar Fasciitis With a Massage Gun - Dr. Jin 

hello, October!

It's my favorite month, and not just because my birthday falls here. I love the leaves, I love the light, I love the CRISP FALL AIR and all of the apples and pumpkins, please. I love the chiminea on the patio with the twinkle lights behind it. I love all the birthdays, especially mine and my nephew's, and of course I love Halloween.

This month I'm getting back into regular weight training. What's working for me so far is doing it first thing in the morning. Believe me I almost never want to peel myself out of my warm, cozy bed to do a workout, but regardless of my early morning toddler mentality, I'm always very happy I just did it anyhow. I like the results that come with CONSISTENCY.

I had to give up Trainer Road rides last week because my LeMond is in the shop. There is a recall on certain Shimano Ultegra and Dura Ace cranskets on bikes sold between 2012 and 2023 (that's an 11-year period!) and you have to take your bike in for inspection to see if it's affected. I am glad I checked, I'm glad I took it in, because I have damage due to the issue. I'm in the first batch of cranks the bike shop sent back to Shimano, so no idea on timing, but hopefully I'll get that bike back by the end of the month. In the meantime, I'm adapting - I now join the Trainer Road group workouts on my erg! I turn off the camera so as not to give anyone motion sickness, and I've figured out that erg watts do not, in any way, translate to the bike watts prescribed on Trainer Road... but I can use the % effort gauge just fine. The weather is WAY too nice for me to put my other road bike on the trainer just yet, so, this works for now.

Every October, my cousin hosts a fall camp-out on their land, and it was this past weekend. People bring their own RVs or tents, but they also have a guest bedroom, cabins, and RVs to stay in. In the past, we've stayed in one of the RVs already down there, but this time Mr. Scandinavian Mullet thought it would be a great opportunity to test out tent camping with both dogs. Well, overnight lows here in CO were slated to be in the high 30s for the weekend, and It's been a good TEN YEARS since we pitched a tent. So last week, from starting the Gear Closet Cleanout project to find equipment, all the way through the Frantic Cooler Packing session just before we departed, let's just say I was less than thrilled about this dog-camping-in-the-cold experiment. But once we got there and the air mattress was blown up inside the tent (hey, it is car camping!) I felt a LOT better about it all. 

It was so nice to see my cousins, it's been over a year! Catching up with them, and with friends, was wonderful, even more so because we had perfect fall weather - a warm afternoon that rolled right on through a beautiful sunset behind Colorado's southern mountains. And then as the evening cooled off, we were around a gloriously warm campfire with the best smelling wood on the planet! The dobers were CHAMPS. They had lots of dog friends to play with, people to give them pets, and when it came time for us to go to sleep, they were SO happy to be cozied up with us in the tent. I didn't expect us to sleep well, but we were actually super comfy and surprisingly warm, and Patrick's Garmin even told him his sleep score IMPROVED! It's unlikely we'll camp again this year, but now we know the dogs are no issue, hooray! 

For me, camping does not bode well for ANY sort of consistently healthy behavior. Neither does ending the camping trip with a big BBQ meal out. But I have to say I did better than I had on past camping trips AND BBQ meals! While camping, I opted out of s'mores... believe me I never ever thought THAT would happen. I had one more adult beverage than I planned, and I really did my best to stay away from the food area (95% success). Was I perfect? No. Did I fall short of how I wanted the weekend to go, health-wise? Yes. But did I wake up feeling good? Yes. And did my healthy behaviors improve when compared to the last camp out? Absolutely, by leaps and bounds! And when we went to the BBQ, I didn't end the meal with peach cobbler, because I recognized I was totally satisfied. And I did that - recognized satisfaction - all weekend. So yes, I CAN CHANGE, I'm doing that and I will take those wins and say GO, ME!

But I won't pretend that there weren't a LOT of mental gymnastics going on all week leading up to, and then throughout the camping weekend. Giving myself grace like that last paragraph is still very hard for me to do. I had several conversations with my internal meanie, but I ultimately ended up being nice to me, and so was able to have a great time enjoying my family, friends, and the beautiful surroundings. I wish I were better about getting to that point SOONER, but I know that takes practice. This is a process, and I am grateful that this weekend gave me the opportunity to keep practicing. 

This morning I got right back on the consistency track with my Trainer Road group (still on the erg). I'm looking forward to a healthy week with resumed consistency ahead, so... Onward to a HEALTHY and HAPPY OCTOBER! 

season of sadness

Yesterday I said to Mr. Scandinavian Mullet "Hey, I did a lot better than I thought at my race in July." And he said "ABSOLUTELY! You did amazing, considering what you were going through, and your run was incredible!" Trust me when I say I loved hearing that from him, but my point is I realized it and said it aloud to another human. 

That race, like the Colorado Triathlon in June, was a glorious piercing blip of joy during a very dark period of Death and Destruction. I am no different from any athlete who feels a bit lost and let down after The Big Event is finished - those weeks or months when you don't know whether to sleep in to recover or go for a 40-mile hill ride, whether you want to do the intervals at track or if you should even bother putting on the running shoes in the first place. And then your Garmin tells you you are "Detraining" - whatever that new word is, you're well aware you are the definition of it. And then, your sister says on the phone that she's cleaning out Grandma's house, the realtor wants to list it before fall. 

October 2021, random road
trip to Grandma's house.

Wait, we have a realtor? Does Mom know you're doing this? 

Yes. We have a realtor. We have photos. We have a listing and we have offers. Several offers. Help me with the offers. Why do the sellers get passed all of the info about all of the buyers, can't the realtor just narrow it down to the good candidates, and send us those without all the commentary? This one sent a letter. Her family is in the neighborhood. She loves the old phone and pencil sharpener in the basement. [I want a pencil sharpener in MY basement.] The house reminds her of her grandparents' house and she would love to live in it. I can hear Grandma: Oh, honey, you can have it, just take good care of it. 

The close is set for so close, there's no way I can go. You never think the last time you went somewhere will be THE LAST TIME you went there. And then your mom says she'll pay for the plane ticket. Oh. Hello Universe, smacking me upside the head to say of course you're going, she needs support. I can pay for the ticket, it's only $200, this is important and it is no sweat to shift things around so I can be there for this very, very sad thing. 

And I am sad. Very, very sad. I'm going to be sad NO MATTER WHAT, whether I stay here in CO or I go to help pack up the last of my Grandma's things with my mom, in the place that's been one of my home bases for over 45 years. Also trust me when I say that I know, if I'm sad about this impending chore, my mom is at least doubly so, since it was her home base for almost 70 years. And I hate that my mom is sad. This has been a hard, hard couple weeks of trying to find joy in anything. I've been...

Calling friends. 

Journaling. 

Getting back into regular workouts. 

Giving my mentoring everything I've got. 

Reading. 

Walking my dogs. 

Cleaning and organizing my house. 

Getting enough rest. 

Turning off the news. 

Turning on music I love.

Volunteering. 

Tracking all my macros and joining Halloween Health Challenges. 

Going to yoga. 

Writing my gratitude lists each day.

Some of it temporarily lifts my mood, some does not, but I'm trying out healthy ways to cope with the overarching gloom. And I have to say, I'm super happy it's the beginning of fall because the doggy walks are so very pretty. Sunlight in September is spectacular, all times of the day.

What I haven't been doing is overeating, overdrinking, oversugaring... and this is a win. I'm still working toward being a better triathlete. Win. Working toward being a better human, win, and especially a human who is more kind to ME. One who values themself and their accomplishments, and wants to keep growing and doing better. BIG WIN. 

I'm turning a corner. So many corners. 

becoming intentionally grateful

Today I am grateful for Mr. Scandinavian Mullet, our house, and the beautiful fall-ish weather here at the end of the summer. I am grateful for many, many more things than these, but those are the three on my list right now. 

Free gratitude printable available
at CarrieElle.com.

Earlier this year, I started cultivating a habit of listing out three things I am thankful for each morning when I wake up, and three more each night before I sleep. At the time, several people I knew independently were doing this and talking about what a positive impact it had on their life. It seemed such a small thing, it took only a minute or two, I figured it couldn't hurt to try it myself.

Well, initially this turned out to be difficult for me to actually do. I either couldn't think of three things, or I couldn't remember to DO IT, and instead of feeling blissfully grateful I'd end up sorely frustrated with myself for my failure to implement this habit. So much for it adding to my life. 

Despite my frustration, I kept trying. I remember wondering how everyone else could come up with so many things - I was always defaulting to "my husband, my dogs, and our good health" [which, to be clear, are absolutely worthy things to list and I am very, very grateful for all of them]. Looking back, even though it was predictable and boring, listing the same three things was a great start to establish the habit. Eventually I got more creative with what I listed. And now I am pretty sure I could easily fill up this page with things, people, places, tastes, moments and experiences I am thankful for, just in the past 24 hours! 

What I've noticed is I am generally happier now, than I was at the beginning of the year. I feel less stressed overall, and when stress does come (I mean, it's life, after all) I'm able to see it for what it is - stress, an uncomfortable feeling about a situation. And I see it, I feel it and move on instead of reacting to it by letting it take root in my thoughts, dictate my emotions and ruin my mood. THIS is progress and I am grateful for THAT. 

Leaves are starting to turn here in Colorado and there is snow up on Mt. Blue Sky. We went to our first Oktoberfest celebration last night at Seedstock Brewery, and yup, you guessed it: I am grateful for new friends who introduced me to a wonderful new brewery, old friends to catch up with over beers and brats while there, and the glorious, PERFECT weather we had while sitting out on the patio. I expect by the end of today I'll be grateful for bike rides, fresh veggies, and a delicious dinner we cook on the grill. I hope you have a great week full of things to be thankful for. 

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"... give thanks in all circumstances..." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV